Hate is a strong word.
But i really really really dont like you.
Now thats its over.
You cant hurt me now.
I brought you around.
And all you did was bring me down.

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
I'll make a "great escape"
I wont hear a word they say
They wont remember me anyways.
Watch "it" burn
Let "it" die
Cas i'm finally free...
"TONIGHT"
"Tonight" will change our lives
It WAS so good to be by your side
And i'll Cry.
But i wont give up this fight.
I'll scream out loud at the top of my lungs
And "they" will think its because we're too young
But i'll feel so "ALIVE!"
Throw is away
Forget yesterday
I'll make a "great escape"
I wont hear a word they say
They wont remember me anyways.
Watch "it" burn
Let "it" die
Cas i'm finally free...
"TONIGHT"
All of my wasted time.
All the hours left behind
And answers that i'll never find
They dont mean a thing "Tonight"

Hmmm.. Lols.
Somethings change.
Somethings don't change.
But life unexpectedly changes when you don't even know it.
Went to work today.
SUPPOSED TO WORK TILL 5.
Yet i "held back till 12MN"
Lols
TAXI FOC ^^ no need waste EZ link card money =x
xD Cheapskate =x Save money ma =/
At work..Learnt something "INSPIRATIONAL!"
-There's a method to do "everything"
Like in your studies.
There are different methods to achieve the answer.
Which is the best way.
And which way suits you the best to your liking.
Like cutting the chicken-Holding it-Slicing it
Learning new things each day xD-

Strangely I'm still chained to peoples feelings.
Can feel them become annoyed with the kids playing with the door.
I just went to the door.
Opened it.
GLARED at the kids.
Than slammed it.
Everyone stare at me o.0
Lols den i say sorry.
xD
crazie one.

Itchy Scratchy Smelly Sticky.
I GO BATHEEE.
Take care "readers"
x] UFN~

Wake up as usual close to 12.
Getting ready to go work.
Hopefully it'll be fun and meaningful.
My colleagues all now know why i'm working.
Don't know how come i told them or how they found out.
Hiaz.
Anyways they're very supportive of me and stuff.
Its going to be a better day.
I hope.
Hehee
The past is nothing but a painful memory.
Its going to be another day.
Another day that will be boring least you do something to
PERK EVERYONE UP
lets do what we can xD
Live life to its fullest.

Just woke up.
Darn I'm full of energy.
Am i back to my night lifestyle again!?
Hopefully not.
Darnniit.
Stupid sia, Leslie ask me go LAN again.
I'm not gonna go
NoOOoOoO No more LAN for me.
Waste money -.-.
Save save... for your future.
For your materialistic wants; xD.
Talking to Sylvie now.
So funny -.-.
Lame.
And sexual?

Remembered what i wanna post liao.
Yesterday i went to work.
Made meatballs -.-
4kg of meat
--- herbs + black paper
--- Chinese parsley.
10 tablespoons of oyster sauce
--- milk and blended "white bread"
5 eggs.
390g of Parmesan cheese
mix well -.-
40 grams per meatball.
roll well..
Done.

Than after dat made more blended parsley.
Listened to a 21-23 years old girls marriage.
How broken it was.
How she handles her marriage.
Her 2 KIDS.
Its kinda sad really.
Family..Kids..Your loved one who turns out to be someone
You don't expect to be.

Sex, Misunderstandings,Possessiveness,Love,Passion,ETC.
Humans...
Hiazz i don't know what to say already la.
Think of my ex.
Stupid -.-
Pushing the blame makes one feel totally "not responsible of anything at all"
But is that the truth?
The person who "receives the blame"
To tolerate and face all this "fault"
Partially his fault and not his.
Looking back and reflecting.
She has a point.(more?)
But i have one as well.(maybe more.)
Fair? Unfair?
Life is unfair..
But its how you deal with situations.
How you move, React

Sometimes when you're doing something.
And you think its going perfectly.
It might be just you that think its perfect.
I'm sorry for being incosiderate.
I'm sorry for SLOWING DOWN YOUR STUDIES
FOR LOVING YOU.
Its all my fault.(everything and anything has always been)
Everything is my fault.
Why did i have to love.


But the relationship woke up me.
To what life really is about.
And to achieve what i want.
Its really not as easy as it seems.
But if people can do it.
So can i.
I'll just have to work harder.

Sleepy will post laterzz

I dont wish to lie to you.
But i really dont like you.
But after everything that has happened.
I dont think we can even be friends after this.

Whoever that says this.Probably wont feel much.
But the person who recieves that.
Who is rejected.
Is totally brokened.
Espicially if that person planned.
If thats the 1st love.
If he/she means everything to that person

* I dont wish to lie to you or myself anymore *
* We're Incompetable *

Maureen read my blog.
Asked me about Charmaine.
I dont know what to say.
Someone whose there for you all the time.
etc.
Hiaz..

thats all i can say.

Celine Mok.
Thanks for TAGGING.
And being here for me tooo~

Looking for something i cant find.
Wishing for something i cant achieve.
Thinkin about stuff that are not true.
Visionin about dreams that are about the past.
Seeing the things that i've wish i had done.
Melting the heart that has been stoned.

Cant sleep.
Laied on my bed for 3 friggin hours.
And yet i still cant sleep.
My body feels asleep.
But my mind is wide awake.
Its thinking.
Dreaming in a way.
Fascinated by the things in the past.
And excited about the future and things that i can achieve and do.
But its all materialistic.
I thought about 2 main people.
Zhi Wei and Charmaine.
Why?
I myself have no idea.
Charmaine. Is she the ideal person for me?
I know i should not post this online because if anyone reads this I'm practically screwed.
And she might be gone from my life.
But who gives a shit.
N/E ways.
Mistakes?Think i dint commit any.
But at the same no matter how i look at it
All the blame comes to me.
All the result of everything begins with me.
And ends with me.

But now somehow I'm not put down.
Its because of these failures that i know where I've gone wrong.
But some "failures" are they really failures or just a slight mistake or misunderstanding?
What should i do or decide.
Somehow I've been thinking about it.
Life seems so empty.
Thinking about what Sylvie said.
But somehow they don't link anyhow.

My life is more "fascinating" than what i thought.
This is not positive thinking.
After talking to Jeroen online for that short while.
I'm a person full of questions.
And I'm looking for answers.
Answers..
Answers to peoples questions,Answers to myself,Answers to all doubts.
Strangely, I'm caught in "stress" by my own thoughts again.
Responsibility.Patience.Self-Control.
Whats the answers to all these questions?

Dreams they're just your memories.
Your fantasies.Your desires.Your fears.
Anything other than that its just visions that you think or feel.
Decisions you make.

Love.Whats real love.
Whats true love.
Friendship love.Family love.
Care, Concern, Protectiveness.
How important is it to you?
To lose something you love.
To lose something you have.
Something valuable.

I don't feel tired at all.
My purpose is to share my experience.
To teach.
To help.
To protect.
To save.
That's how i feel my life was made to be.

Everyone has their own set of wishes.
To accomplish these wishes you need.
Time,effort,Hard work,Perseverance.
I feel I've overcome my barrier of fear.
What do you have to hide?
What are you afraid off.
Why do you fear.
Take everything into your hand.
Make yourself heard.
Even if people don't listen.
Don't feel low down.
Work hard.Strive.
Be someone that people will want to hear you.
Lead by example.

After speaking my mind i feel sleepy.
Guess that's my life really.
Just to speak my mind.
N Let it all out.

Nights .. 3.18A.M.

WHEN A LIZARD CAN, WHY CAN'T WE?


This is a true story that happened in Japan.

In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan breaks open the wall.
Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls.

When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside hammered into one of its feet.
He sees this, feels pity, and at the same time curious, as when he checked the nail, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built... !

What happened?
The lizard has survived in such position for 10 years!!!!!!!!!!
In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind-boggling.
Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years! Without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!

So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it has been doing, and what and how it has been eating.

Later, not knowing from where it came appears another lizard, with food in its mouth.

Ah! He was stunned and touched deeply.

For the lizard that was stuck by nail; another lizard has been feeding it for the past 10 years...

Imagine? It has been doing that untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.

Think, will u do that to/FOR your partner?

An email forwarded by a friend - Yu Ting

If you need someone to talk to, you have all those people in Singapore to associate with right, either through msn or through your phone. I'm not online these few days because I've got visitors staying over and by the time I turn on my computer, it's very late on your side, and evening for me. Anyhow, don't forget you've always got people at work to interact with. Even if your job is short term, getting to know them better may eventually be a large difference later. Who knows right? It's just like how we met each other through Maple,what a coincidence that you knew someone from my school too, then just like that, we still end up talking (even though there was a large break in time when we didn't talk. But who cares. We are again and that's all that matters).

Life is not meaningless. Yes it will be when you are mentally blocked by the vision of an endless void: nothing to do, nothing to see, there is no purpose.So you end up asking yourself, what's the point of life? Yeah, we all wonder about that sometimes. Even the happiest person would ask himself or herself,what's the point in life. Even I asked myself that question, sometimes I still do. Not because I'm always upset, but more because I just wonder, or because I have nothing to do. However, what is different between those people and you is that they choose to think that there are so many opportunities in life they can look forward to. Life is your only way of obtaining an enriching experience...obviously, and you hear all sorts of people saying it is precious.Yes, it is. You may see things which ruin your day, experienced things which subsequently cause you to fall into somewhat, a depression. We all can't turn a blind eye to such happenings, after all, in life, shit does truly happen. Just take it in your stride. Of course we all are tolerant, only to a certain extent. Just because I say this, it doesn’t mean you end up thinking that your whole life so far has been shit. It’s not possible. Think carefully. No matter how small those cheerful little things could have been, they are most probably the stuff that has fueled you this far into your life. You may have friends,they may be true friends, and there may be false friends. This is a decision you’ve got to make yourself. Some people have very few friends, but these valued people are the only ones they can trust. Others have a huge bevy of people hanging around them all the time, but they may not have a single true friend.But hey, what does it matter when at the end of the day, these people still are able to make you smile. I don’t know much about your personal life, so let’s not get too into this friendship thing.

I doubt you’ve ever heard of this, and yes, you may say it’s corny because I remember reading it once when flipping through this book called “Dhammapada”. Sounds like Buddhism right? It’s one of those random books which give advice on living your life right. Anyways, here it is: “One should give up anger, renounce pride, and overcome all fetters. Suffering never befalls him who clings not to mind and body and is detached.” It’s quite true you know.Those happy-go-lucky people just let go of things so easily. And they may gain,they may even lose from it, but at the end of the day, they aren’t burdened by negative feelings. All those emotions rushing through you – anger, frustration,fatigue, stupidity, etc – release them. We all have to draw a thin line between reality and what is not, and you’re saying that you can’t. Don’t tell yourself that. Trust yourself. You can. Concentrate on things around; don’t let your emotional turmoil suck you in. When you concentrate more on people and things around yourself, you will be less withdrawn. That way, you will think less about those thoughts you have. You haven’t been this bad before you broke up with that girl. “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” I like that phrase a lot,if you want to know who said it, it was Alexander Pope. No, not another religious guy, but a literary guy from 18th century or something. Have you actually truly forgiven her? For what she’s done to you…if you had forgiven her, you would have let go of her willingly. And if you had done that,you would not be facing all these problems. You’re at a loss of what to do,just because she’s gone and you’ve nothing left in your life. What rubbish okay. Tell me what you want to be. Do you have dreams of being rich? I doubt so. I know you’re a very simple person and you can tell between wants and needs. You want to have a family, someone to love and kids to take care of?That I’m not sure. Even for me now, I would love to have a husband, but I’m not too sure about kids. All of our thinking will change in time. Eventually it all boils down to getting a steady career in life, and being able to bring back the dough to set on the table for your meals, a roof above your head. Or you can be different from the norm. Set out to be more adventurous; don’t have to stay in one place all the time. You may end up living on high seas in some boat, we would never know. We all have goals in our life, no matter how hazy or far away they seem. Yes, we dream for the time being, dreams of being successful,unsuccessful, cheerful, morbid, many others. Just give yourself a general objective;it doesn’t have to be specific. For me, all I want to do is do moderately well in high school, graduate from high school, get into an okay university, and if my boyfriend and I are holding strong till the end, we’ll settle down maybe in Australia. That’s all. For you, I don’t know maybe for these few months you work, join NS for 2 years, perhaps get back and education, and actually try to work hard? If you want to achieve something, you have the drive to do it.

You cannot forever be dependent on yourself. Talk if you have to. Talk to others around you. Judge them yourself.Will all of them be terrified if they know you’ve got such thoughts? I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one you’d confide in. Others will help. Let it out.Crying isn’t a shameful thing to do. You do know that it takes a man, a real man to cry? Stereotyping has never been my kind of thing. If you’ve got to let it out then do it. There’s absolutely no point in bottling it up and what? End up exploding or doing something crazy? That’s no where a zillionth as smart as crying. Anyway, the thing is, know that if you dream about doing those things,you cannot do it in real life. You will not want the regret and being marked down for the rest of your life. You can be sensible sometimes, but we’re all humans and from time to time, we can go a little haywire. Don’t be brainless all the time, keep your head screwed on, not too tight, not too loose. If it’s too tight, you’d become too rigid and unable to open yourself up. If you’re too loose, I guess you’ll lose your head completely. It seems like you’re having a “mid-life crisis” a few good 25 years ahead of time. Usually men don’t break down till 40+or even 50+ when they think about all this. There's no point being older than you really are.

Paul, just move on. Somehow, you’ve got to get up and go.Don’t let yourself stagnate, eventually you’d rot. You’re not rotting yet. Forget the past. Plan for the future. Be clear headed. Force yourself to sleep appropriately, it’s because you’ve been having such bad habits for years on end, you end up with habitual insomnia. Sleep early, wake up early. Or even better, if you’re not running late for anything, you sleep early, waking up a little later wouldn’t hurt even. Brush teeth, have breakfast, then don’t just sit there and stone. And don’t keep thinking about all sorts of disturbing upsetting thoughts too. Read the newspaper, be more intellectual, and go to the god damned library if you’ve really nothing to do at home. The cool air and quietness would do you some good. Or even better, if you’ve really set yourself for it, you’d begin studying or revising, even if you’re not in school. It’s not being nerdy or dorky, it’s being intelligent. It’s no excuse to put off your revision by saying you’re not in school, there’s no need to study. I’m on holidays and I still end up studying, be it because of mum’s nagging or just plainly because I want to. When it hits afternoon, go out for lunch. Be full.If you’re not hungry, and you’ve got spare time, think of hitting the gym. No gym? Sign up membership for one or something. Don’t want to waste money on that? Even better. Go jogging in the hills or parks. Cycle, rollerblade, swimming,whatever you want, even by the beach would do. Did you know that physical exercise is mentally refreshing? Makes you have a great body and a healthy mind=) I’m pretty sure your future lover would enjoy that. You should decline last minute invitations to lan or any thing of that sort. If people are sincere, and they’ve planned it beforehand, they would have included you and informed you of it. Got asked to hang out with others? Yeah sure why not. Shopping with girls, lanning with guys, whatever you’d do. Time to work, you say you’re usually there earlier than expected. That’s good, give your colleagues and boss a good impression of yourself. You seem to like cooking quite a bit. Ever thought of taking it up as a career? Haha I used to want to be a cook. I also wanted to Bea writer. But being realistic, and having a normal education without any cooking involved, I can’t be a cook right? Lols. For you it’s different because you like it and you also may develop a flair for it during this period. I hope you enjoy your job at NYDC. After work, don’t got lan for god’s sakes. It’s such an unearthly hour already, just go back home, shower, msn a while, then go to bed. Start the new day refreshed. It may fall into a routine, but don’t think it’s boring. There are different things every single day, take pleasure in those things…they are probably the only features in your everyday life that will perk things up.

By the way, you yourself said that working does not take your mind off anything. Then don’t work the entire day. Have some personal time for yourself. I know that you hate/don’t like shopping for yourself, but don’t keep turning up in broken/messy wear. Get new and fresh clothes every once in awhile. It’ll do wonders on peoples’ impressions. All this while I type out all this, I’m not ordering you to do it. Your life, your choice. I’m not going to turn you into my son or my male form. And I also don’t like to pry into your family matters…but you remind me of my current boyfriend because he used to be estranged from his parents. But I changed his mind. I told him some things about my own family, how I felt about them. He started seeing things in a different light with them eventually, and now he truly treats them differently.Okay, this thing between your family and you, I really have no say. I myself know that you already are a very tough nut to crack personality wise. I hope one day you will realize the importance of certain people in your life.

Having written such a long email, I’m not sure whether it’s all crap. You may see it as crap, but this is honestly all that’s on my mind.If I did not address some of your issues, I apologize but I wonder whether you can read through this whole thing at one shot. Paul…I truly want to help you okay. I don't know who I am to you, whether what I've ever done ever meant anything. But if I could help you move on, it would be something I'd do gladly. Even if I was in Singapore, meeting up would be difficult because my boyfriend is super protective over me. I’m glad for that, because you know what type of person I was, and I don’t know whether I’ve changed for the better. And yeah well sounds stupid, but I do miss you too. Not because you were that extra person there. You did mean something to me, and in a way you still do. Less about me, more about you. One final thing. Do yourself a favor and stop beating yourself up over the past. What’s the point? It’s already gone, no one can turn back time. There are people who will love you, still do and have always loved you. Your life was not about her. Stop clinging on to your past so desperately,it’s not as if it will ever happen again. I’ve let go of Jimmy already, and whenever he’s brought up or mentioned, I don’t feel anything about him. Your life is yours to handle. Get a grip on it.

Take care for the time being. I hope to catch you online some time soon.

PS Just listened to the song I attached. Reminds me somewhat of you, and I hope that the lyrics are applicable to you. 'Even if it takes forever, I'll get myself together, I've been doing so much better' - you will be much better, I believe in you, and more importantly, I want you to believe in yourself.

Zzz trying to sleep but cant.
My mind keeps thinking.
And my body feels very restless.
The past.
The future.
All these stupid little details that my mind has planned.

The funniest thing that i thought off was that when i got together with ZW.
I told myself we wont last.
Well i tried.
I know that its not possible between us.
But my feelings developed anyways.
Thats why i'm at this stage now.
The thing is that.
I feel that its stupid.
I just cant follow what i say at times.
I know whats right whats wrong.
I know what i've said and i warn.
And i let people around me know.
If i can handle it on my own i would do it.
Problems,Conflicts,Issues,Mental/Physical "Problems"
I address them all for myself or anyone else.
But now its just bothering me.

Whats the actual problem?
ME?
My mindset?
My friends?
Or what?
I dont even understand.
I dont know!
Oh my god -.-
I guess its just me that really thinks too much.
But why!
Why wont this mind just give me a break.
Just allow me to have a break.
I'm in a mess -.-

No one around me is to blame.
If its anyones fault its my own.
Am i being protective?
Am i being over sensitive?
Am i being afraid?
What is it thats holding me back!?
God i'm pissed -.-
Super frustrated.
What is it thats confusing me?
Why is my mind and my dreams and my thoughts all messing up my reality.
It seems so realitstic.
But yet its not true.

I'm confused with what i dream
What i see.
What i do.
Its like a memory.
Its like it happened before.
But it has not.
Thats why i always "know"
But it has not happened b4.
Shit this.
Fuck my visions.
Confused and messed up.

June 15, 2008
June 22, 2008
June 29, 2008
July 6, 2008
July 13, 2008
July 20, 2008
July 27, 2008
August 3, 2008
August 10, 2008
August 17, 2008
August 24, 2008
August 31, 2008
September 7, 2008
September 14, 2008
September 21, 2008
December 20, 2009

My Thoughts
My Extras

http://null-boi.blogspot.com/

On Crap N some histroy
Just some extra feel over there =x